Thank you Jeff Atwood

I’m taking the opportunity of this season to extend my appreciation for some of my favorite blogs, and Coding Horror is one that I have enjoyed for quite a while.

Thank you for your thoughts and your enthusiasm. I love how much you enjoy the topics you post about, like your awesome HTPC build, or what the best computer books are, or how you designed the perfect keyboard.

I have particularly enjoyed the posts you’ve done about your family and/or parenting, and have described and shown your parenting chart to lots of my friends. I absolutely agree–that one percent really does make all the difference!

So I hope you continue to enjoy your job, your fun computer toys, and especially your family, and wish you all the best. Thanks for your words.

Thank you MMM

So this may seem silly, but for Thanksgiving, I decided to spend some time saying thank you to some of my favorite bloggers. And I am pleased to inform you that your Middle-aged Mormon Man blog was one of those few amazingly lucky winners. Try not to get too excited from the prestige of such an honor…

I did want to tell you that I appreciate your blog very much. I have enjoyed your humor as well as your insights. I’m always excited when a new blog entry from MMM shows up on my reading list. Your blogs are consistently fun, uplifting, and/or insightful (OK, yeah, there was the monkey post, but I’m willing to overlook that).

Another thing that stands out to me is your “my blog, my rules”… er, well, rule about comments; that they all need to be respectful and not disparage the Church. I’m not sure why I found that particularly refreshing, but I did. I appreciate that you continually uphold the Church and its standards, and do not let anything on your blog that could be construed otherwise.

I’m grateful that there are people like you who are able to express themselves well and use that gift to uplift and strengthen others and spread the gospel. Thank you very much.

Thanksgiving

I love this time of year. I love that we have a national holiday that is based on gratitude, particularly to God for our blessings. For myself, while I absolutely love the big-huge-meal part of the holiday, each year I am more excited for the gratitude that is (or at least should be) behind it.

One tradition that many people do for Thanksgiving is to express gratitude for something on each day on November, leading up to Thanksgiving (typically on Facebook). While I like that idea, it’s not one that I have done myself, although I encourage you to consider President Eyring’s words on the subject:

I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance—even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened.

I have tried to do this, with limited success… I haven’t yet really got it into my routine. Maybe if I had a routine…

Anyway, I don’t think we say thank you enough. I’m always in such a hurry rushing from one thing to another, family-work-church-kids-wife-friends-church-work-family that I think that I have been remiss in expressing gratitude in some cases, and even recognizing the need to in others. Notes and expressions of gratitude and encouragement go a long way.

What I intend to do this Thanksgiving season is write thank-you notes to some of my favorite bloggers. I’m somewhat addicted to blogs, and there are 4 or 5 in particular that I have really enjoyed and/or felt inspired and instructed by generally. They have had posts I have enjoyed pretty consistently, rather than just one or two posts (not that I agree with everything they have to say). I’ll post those notes here on my blog.

 

Lessons Learned From Dating

I recently ran across an interesting blog article about dating which has some good ideas to it. I particularly enjoyed this person’s comments. They reminded me of my own dating experiences. As this week is a celebration of the Proclamation on the Family, I thought I’d pontificate on the topic a little.

I’ve always wanted to have a family. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. I honestly don’t remember not wanting a family. This has always been an important goal for me.

I’ve also always been fairly socially backwards. I’m a geek. In my early twenties I was enjoying life pretty well. I was home from my mission attending BYU. I enjoyed sitting in my bat cave of a bedroom (living at home) and playing on my computer. Or working on model trains. Or playing legos.

…you get the idea.

There was one problem that kept coming up. I was lonely. I wasn’t that much of a loner–I had my group of friends and we got together and did fun things. I wasn’t entirely introverted, to my knowledge.

But I was still lonely. I knew I wanted to get married. I wanted to cuddle with someone. I wanted to experience physical relationships (there, I said it). I wanted to have kids and show them how to build model trains and play legos with them. I knew that where I was currently at (single, going to college) was a transitional period to help me get to where I both needed and wanted to be eventually.

I didn’t want to date.

I didn’t mind dating per-se, but I quickly found out that it was a lot of work. And frankly, for me it was rather hard work. I attended the local singles ward (congregation) and had plenty of friends, but…

Well, some guys are handsome. Some are really big and buff even if they aren’t handsome. Some guys naturally know how to talk to women. Some guys naturally know how to talk. I didn’t fit into any of those categories. Even on the talking front.

That sounds funny, but honestly, I often struggled with just talking, and never more than when I was trying to strike up and/or keep up a conversation with a woman who I thought I’d like to date. I was pretty darn good at quoting movies (still am), but most people don’t really count that as talking.

Now people that knew me then would say, “Oh, you weren’t that bad.” Those that knew me well say, “Yeah, that’s about right.” Whether that description really is accurate, it is how I viewed myself, particularly at that time.

In any case, it was hard for me to get a date. First off, I quickly found that everyone’s schedule filled up really fast. If I didn’t have a social engagement of some kind set up by Monday, then everyone was already doing something else. And I really didn’t want to think about what that seemed to imply.

If someone accepted my typically awkward invite, then I had to figure out what in the world we were going to do together for four whole hours. Movie and a date worked for a while, but then I was sure I couldn’t or shouldn’t keep doing that, so then I was trying to figure out other fun things, and for some reason, I never could think of something that I thought was interesting/fun and that I thought my date would enjoy. There never seemed to be enjoyable date activities on the weekend in my college town…

Suffice it to say that I often would only make a token effort to get a date (or no effort at all), and just spend the weekend in my room (which was still fun, although lonely). I still had fun dates and met some nice women, but on the whole I found the whole experience to be stressful and occasionally depressing.

Looking back, I can see how… downright silly I was, and how much I was over-thinking things, and making life a lot more difficult for myself than I really needed to. But at the time I really couldn’t see that.

I did try to make an effort. Sometimes. But it would be so much more convenient if she would just magically appear in my life and sweep me off my feet. Sadly, I rather wished for this kind of a scenario to happen… a lot…

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a woman sweeping a man off his feet. But in my case I think God knew that there were some things I really needed to learn regardless of who, when, or how I found my bride-to-be. Like how to talk.

It took work on my part. And I mean work. Conscious effort. A lot of it. I had at least a couple rather serious “We love you son, but you really need to be more social” talks from my parents. I had lots of sisters with no shortage of advice (using the term loosely–“You’re not going on a date wearing that”).

Now those are all things that I could (and to some extent did) get offended at. Why are you getting after me? I am trying. The woman I marry will love me for who I am, why do I need to act like I’m someone else? No, I’m not going to wear that, it’s really not my style.

I had to realize that the advice I was being given was being given with good intentions (even if the delivery was sometimes lacking). They weren’t getting after me, they were trying to help me get to where I myself was trying to get to. Yes, of course the woman of my dreams will love me for who I am. And of course I should not try to be someone else. The other side of that, however, is simply that I do need to try to be my best self, and whether single or married, I should be putting forth an effort to improve myself in various ways (This is a rather major theme in the LDS faith). And dressing up a little bit for a date is not a bad idea.

I had to keep at it. When I said it took a lot of work I meant it. Not a lot of work for two weeks or 4 months. I was single for a good number of years. And I had to keep on trying to meet new people, put myself out there. Talk. Get out of my comfort zone. Do it again. And again. And again. And again.

Over time, I like to think I got better at it. I got to where what used to be outside of my comfort zone wasn’t really outside of my comfort zone anymore. In fact, dating began to be more fun and less of a chore. I met a lot of people and had a number of (sometimes very) different experiences. Some of those experiences weren’t good, but most of them were. Sometimes I dated someone for a long time, often it was only a date or two.

I actually got to the point where I didn’t mind being single that much. And I think that was important. I even enjoyed it. I enjoyed being where I was at. And that didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to find a special someone–in fact, it was the opposite. I knew where I wanted to go and I was working on getting there rather than spending my time bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t there yet.

Surprisingly enough, continued steps toward your goals tends to get you there. There’s one more thing that I learned, at least about my search for my future bride. I had often heard people talking about their internal and/or eternal struggles trying to figure out if this particular person was “the one.” Just to add some context, in the LDS temple, couples are married for time and all eternity, so yeah, it is kind of a big deal.

I was fully expecting to have similar struggles, but it wasn’t like that at all. Instead, dating Rosanne was like meeting my long lost friend. “Hey, there you are! I’ve been looking for you.” She was and is my best friend. She does love me for who I am (I knew I was in love when I was tempted to quote something during Sunday School but restrained myself,  and she turned to me and quoted the very line I was thinking of). But we both work to improve ourselves and help each other be the best that we can.

Was it a lot of work for me? Yes it was. Again, this is my own experience I’m talking about. For many people, social skills are not the bane of their existence.

Did I have to actually listen to my parents’ advice and counsel? Yep. They were the ones constantly steering me towards trying to enjoy where I was at and not get too worked up or melodramatic. Without consciously acting on that advice, I do not think I would have been the kind of person that my wife (or anyone) would want to spend their life with.

Was it worth it? Every second.

Do we cuddle? You bet. And the other stuff too. And it’s awesome. And worth waiting and working for. But more than that–we enjoy doing lots of things together. We enjoy games, working on projects, going places, reading books, watching movies.

Is our marriage and family complete peace and bliss? Of course it isn’t. It’s still work, and lots of it. And patience, and lots of it.

But I’m not lonely.

And I play legos with my kids.

A Basic Internet Search

I read a less-than-friendly comment about the LDS faith on a youtube video (these things do happen occasionally). The individual expressed surprise that people believed all this stuff about our faith when a basic internet search would show that it is all a big lie.

So, all I have to do in order to know the falsehood of my faith is a basic internet search.

I don’t doubt that a quick search will return all kinds of information about my faith from all kinds of sources. There’s one small problem, and it’s one that gets passed over time and time again.

I don’t believe in this church because I searched the internet and found no compelling arguments against it, and every doctrine taught was perfectly in line with all the current popular ideologies. I believe in this Church and practice its teachings because I have felt the power of the Holy Spirit confirm the truth of it to me.

Yes, you can search the internet if you want. I’d appreciate it if your searching would include lds.org and mormon.org–you may want to check out fairlds.org. But even those won’t give you what I have found to be compelling evidence. That evidence comes from God. Because God talks to man.

And that includes you.

Does He speak with words? Not usually. Is there a reason why not? Yes there is. Want to know why? Excellent! Go check out those sites I mentioned.

But while the internet is great for spreading both information and misinformation, what we Mormons really want people to do is find out by asking God Himself. And we’re sure that if you are really interested in finding out, He will confirm the truth to you.

That’s been my experience.

I have felt it in a way that I can’t really describe, but it is distinct and special and at times very powerful.

I have prayed and had those prayers answered in many ways.

I have looked back on my life so far and have seen how living the Gospel has blessed my life.

I have seen how living the Gospel has blessed the lives of others.

For myself, I find these evidences a little more compelling than a quick search on the internet. Or even a thorough search on the internet.

The Richest Man

We took our family on a trip with my parents recently to visit my sister and her family and attend the baptism of their oldest child. It was a very enjoyable visit and I was really glad to get to spend some time with them and my parents.

While we were there, my dad got up and bore his testimony (that Sunday was a fast and testimony meeting). He talked about how the fruits of the gospel have become much more apparent to him as he has gotten older, and one of the ways in which that is so was in his family. He talked about keeping a photo of his family on his desk at work and often thinking to himself, “I am the richest man I know,” because of the treasure of family that was his–children and grandchildren.

I am so grateful for the parents that I have. They have worked and struggled and prayed and taught and showed a good example to me and my siblings all of my life. I love them, and I love the relationship that I have with them. They taught us to love and live the gospel. They taught us to work hard and be self-sufficient as much as possible. They taught us to serve others and accept service when we need to. They taught us to study hard and get good educations. They taught us to be together as family and to enjoy each other’s company.

My dad’s comments made me think about the picture I have in my office dad

 

This was a Father’s Day gift from my wife last year, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. To me it is a reminder of the great treasure that my family is. Anytime I’m having a hard time at work (for whatever reason), I can look up and see my kids, cheering me on.

And that’s what they do. They love me. Despite my shortcomings and regular idiocy, they still love me. They love to be with me, to do things with me, to watch me, to have me explain things to them, play games with them, talk to them, anything. Everything.

Looking at this always give me a sense of joy and encouragement. I have three kids who love me with their whole hearts and are rooting for me. Happy for me. Loving me.

Being a dad is truly a treasure.

Primary Class Notes for Father’s Day

From Ada:
My daddy’s name is Jeremy
He is 22 years old and 7 tall and weighs 100 pounds.
His favorite food is cereal (in his) milk.
My daddy is really good at morking (working) and fixing.
He loves to go hiking.
My favorite things to do with my dad is play games, puzzles, puppets, jobs.
I’m just like my dad because I’m cute!
What I love most about my daddy is when you tickle us!
It makes Dad happy when I cheer him up.

From Sam:
My daddy’s name is Jeremy
He is 9 years old and big tall and weighs 100 pounds.
His favorite food is milk.
My daddy is really good at playing games (Star Wars and Tickle Monster)
He loves to do things that are right.
My favorite things to do with my dad is play the rope Star Wars game.
I’m just like my dad because I am just as tall.
What I love most about my daddy is that he’s nice and plays with me.
It makes Dad happy when I play tickle monster with him.

Opposing Same-sex Marriage

So I support traditional marriage. Why do I oppose same-sex marriage? What’s the big deal? And if I’m supposed to love my neighbor, including homosexuals, then how is it OK to tell them how to live?

In 1997, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a statement concerning the family and its importance to God’s plan. This statement concludes with this warning:

“WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

So, on one hand, the leaders of my Church feel that this is an important enough issue (preserving the family) that we should be actively engaged in it. And I do believe in the leaders of my Church. ((Of course this makes me one of the mindless “sheeple” who just does whatever my Church leaders tell me to. In my Church, we are expected to follow the prophets, but more importantly to gain our own independent witness of the things we are told to do. Essentially, we are to seek confirmation from God that what they are telling us is correct. See Elder Oaks talk, Two Lines of Communication. Another answer to this is simply, “Yes, I am trying to follow a Shepherd.”))

On top of that, so far it seems apparent that same-sex marriage is contributing to the erosion of the family. I believe that same-sex marriage decreases the focus of marriage from the family to simply “two people in love.” And yes, I’ve heard the arguments about old or infertile people marrying, and in my opinion, those kinds of unions can (and do) exist without changing the definition of marriage. Marriage by definition is still focused on family (including children) as the ideal. Once we decide that it’s really just any two people that want to extend a commitment to each other, well, that’s changing the definition.

This brings up another interesting trick that’s being played on those who support the traditional family, and that is simply the idea that it’s up to us to prove that same-sex marriage is bad for society. If traditional marriage is the status quo, then why isn’t the burden of proof on those who desire same-sex marriage to prove that what they want will not harm society?

So far what I’m seeing is a continuing erosion of morality, family, and religion. And same-sex marriage is pushing those bounds even further. What’s more, it doesn’t seem to be stopping with same-sex marriage. Our country has been here before. Initially the idea was that civil unions would be the answer and that would be fine. Now it isn’t anymore, and we have to have same-sex marriage. And even as that is being pushed, calls are being made to further erode the idea of marriage, and/or to simply do away with it altogether (at least from a legal stand point).

I’m sorry, but to me, this is not progress. This is not how our nation, communities, and homes can be healed (and what is the definition of home without a family, anyway?). We need families. We need morality, and we need religion. I believe these things are fundamental in a society that believes in responsibility, work, and serving others. Those are the ideals that can build  (and repair) our society. And I firmly believe that family is the best place to learn those things. I also believe that religion is an important support for the family in this regard.

This is why I oppose same-sex marriage.

This does mean that I (and those who support traditional marriage) are indeed “telling people how to live.” We are forcing our ideals upon others. What a horrible, evil thing to do!

But…

Isn’t that exactly what law is supposed to do? Isn’t that exactly why we have governments? Not to dictate every moment of our lives, but to establish order. To debate and decide upon rules, regulations and ideals that will help us to live together as a society (Where the line should exist between “dictating every moment” and “establishing order” is a different topic). In forming such laws and regulations, we should discuss our ideas and beliefs. And yes, our morals will definitely affect that. And they should.

So if the chance to vote on same-sex marriage comes up, then I will vote against it. If I have an opportunity to discuss it with others, I will take it. That is true for lots of things both moral and otherwise. That does not mean that I hate homosexuals. It does mean that marriage and family are very important to me and that I feel the need to do what I can to protect and strengthen them.

Why I Support the Traditional Family

Recently I got into a conversation with a homosexual individual on Facebook about the same-sex debate. It wasn’t long and I certainly was not able to answer his questions to his satisfaction. I support the traditional family. That is a nice positive statement. It does also mean that I oppose same-sex marriage. I do. And what’s more, the core reasons that I oppose it are due to moral and religious objections (which is why I was unable to answer his questions to his satisfaction).

While I can’t say I particularly enjoyed the conversation (“I don’t like confrontations!” ~T-Rex), I am glad I was able to have it–I learned a few things. These are really obvious when they’re written down like this, but they may be harder to apply than one might think.

  1. It’s easy to agree with your fellow church members that same-sex marriage is bad. For me it’s more difficult to disagree with a gay person who is currently unable to marry their partner, and who could understandably be frustrated with religious people keeping him from marrying. I think it is important to be able to share your differences respectfully to those who disagree with you.
  2. When doing so, I think it is important to listen to what they have to say. Show the respect for them that you want them to show for you. That doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with them or compromising your beliefs. It simply means that you are trying to understand them and their position a little better. Hopefully they will extend the same courtesy to you (whether they do or not doesn’t really matter).
  3. I also think it is important that we be willing and able to explain why we have the stance that we have. As in my case, your reasons may be completely rejected. That’s OK. Again, you should not expect that your powerful words of wisdom will cause the planets to align and convince whomever you are addressing to see the error of their ways and agree to everything you say (willingly or otherwise, depending on what mood your imagination is in). The idea here is to honestly explain why believe and act the way you do.

The core question that came up was this: “Why is the issue of same-sex marriage so important that I would stand against it, affecting homosexual couples who wish to marry?” That is absolutely a fair question.

As I mentioned earlier, the core reasons why I oppose same-sex marriage absolutely ties in with my moral beliefs and religion (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I believe that there is a body of men who are prophets. I have felt the Spirit confirm this to me multiple times. I have seen how my life and outlook on life have improved as I have followed their counsel over time.

These prophets have been very clear on this issue: that while we should not support same-sex marriage, we also should not be hateful, mean, or discriminatory towards homosexuals. They have also explicitly spelled out that it is no sin to have feelings of same-gender attraction. It is a sin to act on those feelings.

Some of the basic doctrines of the Church are that marriage was instituted by God as the union of a man and a woman, and that gender (as opposed to sexual orientation) is part of our eternal identity. Families are not just constructs for this life-time. Instead they are the building blocks of society both here and in the hereafter. Morality is defined by God and is eternal.

Members of the Church who are gay are not and should not be considered or treated as second-class citizens. Just as single members of the Church are not second-class citizens. We believe that if we are faithful, then any blessing that we are unable to achieve in this lifetime will be ours in the life to come. This includes marriage and family.

These are the main reasons why I do not support same-sex marriage. There are other reasons. I have read a number of arguments opposing SSM, and in general I would say I agree with them. But when the rubber hits the road, this is it.

I can see why this would be totally unacceptable to a gay man who does not believe in religion at all, let alone that there is a body of men who are prophets of God. Again, that’s OK. I can explain what I believe. I absolutely have a right to do that. Anyone who bothers to listen absolutely has the right to decide what to do with that.

I also absolutely have a right to add my voice and my vote to issues that I believe are important. Do my morals and religion affect my opinions? Of course they do! Any set of beliefs or code of conduct that does not affect the person following them is useless and meaningless.

So, in a nutshell, that’s where I stand. I do not hate homosexuals. Indeed, if I claim to oppose SSM primarily because of my belief in the prophets and understanding of Church doctrine, then I shouldn’t. If I do, that’s something I need to work on, isn’t it? Here’s another way to think of it. What was Christ’s reaction to the prostitute? “Neither do I condemn thee. Go and sin no more.” The Savior, whom I claim to follow as a disciple, did not condemn the prostitute. But He also didn’t condone the behavior.

So far the discussion has centered largely on why I don’t support SSM, but that’s only part of the question, isn’t it? I plan on writing a follow-up on why I actually oppose SSM. Given my current writing frequency, I’ve got a good three months to do it. 🙂

As I mentioned before, I have read a number of articles defending the traditional family view. Here are some of them

Some additional words from the afore-mentioned prophets

And some more just in case you are still following

New Train For Christmas

A couple years ago, we bought a “Toy Story Train” Duplo set online for our 2 year old boy for Christmas. When it arrived, it turned out that it was a lego set, not a duplo set. Oh well. We’d just keep it in the closet for a few years until he was old enough to play with legos, then give it to him then. Well, he’s not quite old enough, losing interest in trains and Toy Story, and the kids found the set in the closet some time ago. So while we were all sick during this Christmas break, we pulled it out and put it together (we=Mom and I, although the kids had a lot of fun playing with the characters).

DSC_0321

It was actually really nice to build something with legos again–been a long time since I’ve done that.